Brutally Cleaning

I signed up for an online crafting class not long ago, then, hardly ever even turned on my computer immediately after signing up for it. This year something happened to me. It is difficult to explain but it was almost tangible. At midnight on January 1, 2012 it seems like something shifted gears or maybe the universe slid sideways. I have felt differently ever since that day. Weird, I know. I had been on a cleaning and throwing away spree prior to that time but now I have ramped it up into high gear. I am cleaning out EVERYTHING! I don't want to craft anymore. I want a clean room instead. I don't want my office room anymore. I want a clean room instead. I don't want to play on my computer anymore...I want to clean instead. Does this sound strange? It is just a life change. People go through those. I have been thinking about renting a dumpster so I will not have far to go to chunk things. Maybe I am just getting ready to drive off into the sunset heading west with my boys. If my blog is never updated anymore after today, you will know that I threw out my computer!

Mister, More Concrete Please



My house is 34 years old and I suddenly felt as if it needed more concrete. Just sayin'. No really, in my old age, I am just paring down. I do not want any carpet or anything that holds dust. I wish I could get a concrete couch! Might be kind of uncomfortable but would be super easy to clean, right?

A No Zag Life

Time passes. The days are falling like rain drops. I do not grieve for them. Instead, I think of tomorrow. The bright new tomorrow that will sprout like a tender leaf. Right now it is buried deep in the earth like a dream waiting. My dream waiting to be had. I do not know how many tomorrows I have. I know I have less than when I started.

I am a pensive person. I spend so much time in thought and the older I get the more time I spend inside my own mind. I suppose I must like it there, right? People do not do what they do not want to do. That is human nature. I have always said that people pretty much get what they want. A person will find a way to bring to themselves those things they want. Sometimes they do it consciously sometimes subconsiously but they almost always find a way. Trouble arises when a person does not know what they want. That makes life in a pinball machine, bouncing off the sides, tilting, falling, landing back where you began.

I think back on my life and wonder where did I zig when I should have zagged? I really cannot point to a place. I didn't zig when I should have zagged. Instead, I did not know what to dream. You might say I didn't even know how to zig or zag.  How do you know you want a thing that you do not even know exists? That is the quirk of life. When you are very young, you are too inexperienced, ignorant, and naive to even know what to want. Like I said, my dream still waits in the deep earth waiting to be had. If I never reach it, someone will. That is good enough for me. At this late date, no ordinary dream will do for me. I need something completely off the rails. Until then, I have hungry cats here waiting to be fed.

She is thinking about zigging but she should zag.

When Kismet Happens

Sometimes kismet happens and you perform a good deed without intending it. This is what I mean.

The other night, I was visiting my mom. A knock came on her door and in popped our 96 year old friend, Roberta. She said she wanted to stop by to see if I was there because she needed some help. Her eyesight has been failing her lately. She had handwashed a blouse, hung it out to dry on her balcony as it had been a breezey day and now she could not find the blouse anywhere. I went with her to her apartment to take a look. I looked all over that balcony. No shirt was to be found. Since it was night, therefore dark, I could not see very far off into the distance but I saw no evidence of the hanger it had been on or of the blouse.

I turned to her and said "You know, I fear your blouse has blown away." Roberta said to me "Do you think a dog found it and is running down the road with it now?" We both laughed and I said "We can only hope so if he is in need and that he will make a nice, warm bed out of it."

The Amazing Whiskey Cat

Remember I said we had the cat gene? If you are in my family and do not have a cat or three, you might want to check your birth certificate to see if you were switched at birth. Watch my 'nephew' or more accurately 'great nephew' play catch. He is extremely talented. He was a Hurricane Katrina rescue kitty. His assistant is his sister, Stella.

Remember Queen Cynthia?

Remember the dream I had that I was a queen that really knew how to rock an outfit? I was Queen Cynthia of House Grimalkin and I was in a very poor mood for some reason. I have no idea why I would be in a bad mood if I was a queen?

Anyway the Golden Globes got me in a designing mood so I drew up an outfit from memory of one that I had on in the dream. It was a red and black coat dress with leggings, boots and an Elizabethan collar. I drew it then married it to Photoshop. I kind of like the idea of putting something hand drawn with Photoshop. I will try it again soon.

My New Friend!

I have a new friend! I just have some kind of uncanny ability to make friends. It is quite amazing. I can find a friend almost anywhere. Keep reading. You will understand.

If there is a cat within 500 miles, it seeks me out. I don't really understand it but I think my mother might understand it best. She says the same cats are around everyone. I am just able to see them better sort of like some people can see miracles better than others. Sort of like some people see angels better than others. (By the way, I have met several angels.) Your love for a thing just sort of subconciously turns on your radar. Sort of like how a bat sees a bug in the dark. That is me...batty!

Anyhow, this is my new friend. I met him while I was walking to my car one night. Since that time, he waits for me every evening. I bring him treats. Oh yeah, you can make loads of friends if you bring food. That is an important thing to know. See him?

He is very shy. I have to leave his treat before he really comes up close. He thinks I am some kind of evil trickster trying to capture him. Oh no. I just want to spread the love around. My private inn is closed to all future business but my love is not closed. It is wide open to any friend open enough to receive it.

These Shoes

I love this girl wearing these shoes. I loved her before I knew her. In fact, I loved her years before she was even born.


She is the closest thing to a daughter that I will ever have. I say that without knowing how it feels to have a daughter so I could be all wrong in that assessment. Do you think people should comment on what they have never experienced? I do not think they should yet I do it.

I do know this much. I definitely love her. Memories of her travel across my mind like a strange mix of iridescent bubbles floating across an empty sky.

Peculiar what things form a memory.

Seeing her running to my car after school on a day when I got to pick her up.

Peeking through the blinds at her trying to learn to ride a bicycle and cringing when she falls.

Watching her nonchalant, easy way yet completely effective slamming of a volleyball across the net.

Watching her standing bravely and self assuredly deliver a stand up routine in front of a rowdy crowd of strangers with me looking on like an overly zealous bouncer eager to toss out anyone that did not laugh.

Would you wear these shoes on your wedding day? I so would!

Ollie the Megaphone

Remember not long ago, I was relaxing in the bathtub when Little Jacob took a dive into it? This morning, I was again in the bathtub which I find to be a very relaxing time of the day that I often look forward to enjoying. I was focusing intently on soaping up my loofah when out of the blue just like a blast from a foghorn, I hear "MEOW".

It almost startled the bejeepers out of me! I do not know what that boy was up to but Ollie had come into the bathroom and was making some sort of extremely loud announcement. I tried to figure it out. I asked him a few questions. I performed an interview on him. He casually softly meowed back a couple of nonchalant answers as if whatever caused his initial earpiercing outburst had passed. Sometimes I wonder about that boy.

Look at My Moon and Stars

It is so very difficult to make up a bed at my house. My little Moon and Stars likes to play on the moon and stars of my sheets. Those two, Nigel and Jacob, played on that bed for over an hour while I was trying to make it up. I would straighten an edge then leave it because it stirred up such a whirlwind of activity. I would come back and straighten a little piece more. Do you wonder why I do not make them get off of it so I can make it up sensibly? The answer is because I love to watch them play and I love for them to be happy. If it is true that most of the atoms making up your body once were atoms of some far away sun that exploded, my Jacob's, Nigel's, Ollie's and Henry's atoms are from what must have been the most beautiful stars ever to exist in the sky.

The Old Year is Gone Along with some Naivity

Saturday, December 31, 2011, I begin an early day. I take pictures so I will remember next year what kind of day it was. Do you often find yourself trying to remember the weather and the details of the last day of the year for the year before? Well, here it is for my memory book so to speak.

I am almost to my church where I will be setting up the alter for the next day's communion.

No surprise here. Due to the holidays, I am the only person within sight of anywhere. I like having the church all to myself. It looks small but it actually is quite large. In the picture is just the church and not the outlying connecting buildings.

Just inside the side door.

Heading to alter guild work room.

In the sacristy, getting ready to begin.

You must begin by getting your mind in the right place to begin your service. We take this very seriously. It is the Lord's table and we treat it as such.

I just want to look at this creche. It is beautiful. I should have put my hand beside it so the size of it could be made evident.

Advent candles in front of pulpit.

Beautiful magnolia wreaths.

I begin refilling the candles. There are many.

Taking time to admire this window. The dyes necessary to make this window are no longer mixed. Replacement pieces from Europe will never match again. These windows all tell stories and most every depiction in a window be it a ribbon, pearls, colors, vegetation, robes, whatever is an artistic symbol. You can study these windows for hours. They are amazing.

Refilling a candle and adjusting the wicks.

Refilling a communion candle and polishing the brass.

Obtaining the necessary, corporal, veil, towels, wafers, etc.

Beginning to dress the chalice.

Partially dressed chalice and priest's host.

Fully veiled chalice and host.

Preparing to pour the rabbinical wine.

Complete credence table with wine, ceborium, chalices and wafers.

Yesterday, New Year's Day, my mom shared an interesting and heart breaking story with me regarding the death of her father. She has shared many memories of her childhood with me through out our lives but this one was most poignant for me this time.  It was then that I realized, for one thing, that my desire to remove pain does not just only apply to cats. I hated to admit that my bleeding heart does not always bleed across to the human species. Sad, huh? That is not because I am a mean person. I am nice...sometimes. I mean I can be decent if  the sun and stars align just right. Mostly, I just figure humans are more capable of fixing their own problems and do not need my commiserations and assistance. Also, no one would ever look at my own life and say "Oh, yeah, I want her to give me advice because she has everything going on so perfectly!" Therefore, I focus on the innocent and helpless creatures. Yesterday was sort of what you would call a watershed moment for me. It was a realization. There is one area in which I would love to help all of us and that is dealing with sorrow. Sorrow is hard. It is heart wrenching. It is unfixable for some people. They will be broken all of their lives. A forever broken person living in a forever broken world. Wouldn't you love to 'fix' someone's heart? Especially someone you love so much like your mother? Wouldn't you love to take that pain away so that it never hurt again for them? If you could only do it for one person, even that would be so magnificent. My mother told me that she still remembers just as clearly as if it happened moments ago, her mother awakening her the morning of January 2, 1933 and telling her that her father had passed away in the night. She was 5 years old. My mom cried yesterday just like it happened only moments earlier. There are no words you can say to someone hurting that much and none you should say. My mom often tells me that I was born with a much greater faith than she has. I am not so certain about that. I thought about the words in the Bible about Heaven. We do not know much but we do know in Heaven that there are no father, brother, sister, mother or husband, wife. Jesus told us that. So I could hardly say to mom "oh, you will see your father again." She may but will she recognize him? Maybe not. I often think of the words that are not in the Bible. Just because it is not in there, does not mean He never said it. It only means that it was not recorded. He may have said exactly what happens, when and how. I don't know and no one else does but I do know this. He will make it all good. So you meet a being in Heaven and it was your earthly father yet you never know it. Will it matter? No. There will only be love and it will all be good. My understanding and knowledge is so small yet this much I know is true.